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until

Always an eccentric child, too inquisitive and headstrong

never an obedient girl, from the start intent on

blazing

a trail of my own.

Crossing continents alone at 16,

consuming whole the brilliance

of

harsh beauties

found in reality so far detached from my own

Getting lost in silver wrapped sweets, streets enveloped in bollywood beats,

spiced chais , gasoline fumes and kush covered peaks.

This world, like my third eye, now open, the plates had shifted

just

for me.

These months far from home, setting the tone

for life to come, doing everything recklessly, purposefully

set on following my heart and not the straight path.

Years passed in hazes and phases, cultures, commotions,

emotions, lovers, lust, then love, true love?

Not to be,

just crude responses in searches for meanings

in the interiors of other peoples spaces

seeking answers in dark places, losing faces to insidious vapours.

Buried deep ,fear of feeling, of transparency, exposure

of soul laid bare,

love would never come easy, could never.

Though I wished for a broken heart to come at last,

selfishly only for the sake of my art

to be able to express more then a child,

except I was the one breaking hearts,

my wish never being realised

what kind of person was I?

what artist has never loved and lost, only left behind painful memories.

Always hopeful, with eyes that carry the pain of a thousand wounds of time,

living on the surface at peace, yet underneath

fighting demons not easily dismissed

until,

until ,

until,

close to the edge of no return, against sound judgement and intuition

fell into the soul of someone who was broken

should have stayed away, and not fallen for the deceptions

against my intuition, I fell

and his darkness was immense, until I saw no boundaries between what I thought and felt

It was blind, it was lust, it was the intermittent taste of rust

volatile and immeasurable,

trapped but couldn’t let it go,

until

in cascade of madness

the other one was

gone.

and I was earthshakingly lonely, not alone.

seeking solitude and solace from the light

for the first time in my life

I was wide awake,

accepting that I could be two – alone.

finding inside my light, so white and radiant

that I was so rare I could exist in places I didn’t know existed

that even the darkest night could be followed by bright escapes

if given a chance to draw the drapes

so ,

in a moment

the future changed,

atoms rearranged

without my realisation or intention

dark forged light,

two had made one

beating heart

alive in my blood

and nothing was the same.

Published inRaising boys

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