Small steps

School holidays are over, and its time to get back on my game. After quitting my Law degree I decided to give myself a few weeks downtime, with the date of return to school being my deadline. The past few weeks have been wonderful in many ways and awful in many others. Bills have been piling up as I haven’t been working and I’ve been in states of various degrees of depression. Its difficult to acknowledge that, as I am a person who has never struggled with depression before. Recently I read an article that links hormonal contraception to depression, and I believe that my contraceptive use may be contributing. That combined with winters effects on my moods, lack of exercise since my soccor season finished and straying from my usual healthy eating. Its interesting that these contributing factors are actually cause and effect of low mood. the worse I feel, the less inclined I am to exercise and prepare healthy food. The lower I feel, the less I feel like reaching out to anyone around me, which is made worse by living in relative isolation with only a handful of friends in cup of tea distance.
Procrastination has always been my weakness, and until now I always felt I had more time, I could justify having breaks, hitting the snooze button, giving myself time. I’m 33 now and I know that its now or never. No more downloading fitness apps and half heartedly attempting a few exercises, no more eating all the ice cream because its sad to leave a little tiny bit in the container and no more putting off doing all the shit I need to do because its all too hard.
The problem has always been I actually do have so much shit to do, really.
I live in a 120 year old farmhouse thats falling down around me, I have 160 acres of trees and grass and fences that needs maintaining. I have gardens and plants to care for, I have chickens, dogs i dont even want, cats, horses, ponies, cows getting into trouble, two wild kids, a mother who can be like another child sometimes, study (which has been dropped for now) and trying to find meaningful work while fitting in having to read books form cover to cover in a short amount of time as possible, read magazines, read blogs, read every single thing on the internet, cook nearly every meal we eat, try to keep a tidy house with feral children who break shit every second and occasionally binge watch series son netflix (how good was luke cage!)
Small steps, I tell myself. Small steps.

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