Always an eccentric child, too inquisitive and headstrong
never an obedient girl, from the start intent on
a trail of my own.
Crossing continents alone at 16,
consuming whole the brilliance
found in reality so far detached from my own
Getting lost in silver wrapped sweets, streets enveloped in bollywood beats,
spiced chais , gasoline fumes and kush covered peaks.
This world, like my third eye, now open, the plates had shifted
These months far from home, setting the tone
for life to come, doing everything recklessly, purposefully
set on following my heart and not the straight path.
Years passed in hazes and phases, cultures, commotions,
emotions, lovers, lust, then love, true love?
Not to be,
just crude responses in searches for meanings
in the interiors of other peoples spaces
seeking answers in dark places, losing faces to insidious vapours.
Buried deep ,fear of feeling, of transparency, exposure
of soul laid bare,
love would never come easy, could never.
Though I wished for a broken heart to come at last,
selfishly only for the sake of my art
to be able to express more then a child,
except I was the one breaking hearts,
my wish never being realised
what kind of person was I?
what artist has never loved and lost, only left behind painful memories.
Always hopeful, with eyes that carry the pain of a thousand wounds of time,
living on the surface at peace, yet underneath
fighting demons not easily dismissed
close to the edge of no return, against sound judgement and intuition
fell into the soul of someone who was broken
should have stayed away, and not fallen for the deceptions
against my intuition, I fell
and his darkness was immense, until I saw no boundaries between what I thought and felt
It was blind, it was lust, it was the intermittent taste of rust
volatile and immeasurable,
trapped but couldn’t let it go,
in cascade of madness
the other one was
and I was earthshakingly lonely, not alone.
seeking solitude and solace from the light
for the first time in my life
I was wide awake,
accepting that I could be two – alone.
finding inside my light, so white and radiant
that I was so rare I could exist in places I didn’t know existed
that even the darkest night could be followed by bright escapes
if given a chance to draw the drapes
in a moment
the future changed,
without my realisation or intention
dark forged light,
two had made one
alive in my blood
and nothing was the same.